October 1976…. America turned 200 years old and the country celebrated her birthday with parades and events throughout the United States. It was just over 3 years since Roe v. Wade allowed women to obtain abortions in this wonderful country, and that is where my story begins.
I found out I was pregnant shortly after the father left to find his old girlfriend across the state. Many years before cell phones, emails, etc., it took me 2–3 weeks to find him by phone. He told me to have an abortion and he’d send money. Two friends drove me to the clinic. I remember the clinic was dark and sad. I tried to sit up, but then nurses held my shoulders down and the doctor told jokes to try to console me as I cried. I walked out a few hours later feeling so empty. I had left my baby there along with my heart and soul.
Eventually, the father returned. We got married and had three beautiful children, but then divorced after 12 years of marriage. I remember crying in the shower watching my belly grow with my first child. I just knew God was going to punish me with an unhealthy baby. He was born at 10 pounds and was very healthy. I realized God wasn’t a punishing God. As I was pregnant with my second and third babies, I knew what a kick or baby movement was, and I then realized I had killed my child when the baby could kick.
My husband and I had lots of ups and downs in our marriage. We attended an alcohol and drug treatment center where they practiced the 12 Steps. The 7th Step is to humbly ask HIM/GOD to remove our shortcomings. The counselors advised my husband and me that this is not Catholic Reconciliation. During both of our individual times with the counselor, we shared the story of our abortion, but the counselor just dismissed it. We also attended marriage counseling; again, we shared the abortion story, and again, it was dismissed.
I attended a CEW (Christian Experience Weekend) where part of it was the Sacrament of Reconciliation. After 12 years of not attending confession, I went and shared. The priest, instead of condemning me to hell, told me of God’s great love and forgiveness. I left the confessional, fell into the last pew, and sobbed, knowing God loved me. A few years later my husband attended a CEW. He shared and was forgiven. When he came home, we forgave each other and grieved our lost child together.
I had God’s forgiveness and my husband’s forgiveness, but I could not forgive myself. Over the next two years, I became busy with every Christian activity I could. I had been asked to even give my testimony to different groups. Each time I would be totally drained afterwards.
I attended a charismatic prayer group every week. People knew I attended and would ask me to stand in prayer for loved ones. One cold, rainy night, when it came to standing in prayer, I realized no one had called me, so I remained sitting. All of a sudden, my steel chair felt like fire, enough that I stood up and heard, “You need prayer,” so I went forward. As they prayed over me, I was slain in the Holy Spirit, and as I laid on the ground, I heard, “Mommy, I love you; Mommy, I forgive you; Mommy, you must help stop the killing of all these babies.” I drove home that night and slept peacefully. The next morning, I was cleaning around the house. I loved to watch 700 Club and had it on in the bedroom as I was in the kitchen. That morning I was reliving the night before, and as the morning went on, I was thinking it was in my imagination. All of a sudden, I hear Sheila Walsh’s voice from the 700 Club. She said, “Last night a woman was healed of her abortion, but this morning she is letting doubt in. Don’t let the devil in—YOU HAVE BEEN HEALED!” I went to my knees and accepted the healing.
I don’t speak as much anymore. Through healing retreats, women are being healed and are sharing their stories. I find myself doing more one-on-one sharing. I’ve enjoyed being a mom and a grandmother. I’m healed because JESUS died for me on the Cross, but I still wonder about the grandchildren I missed out on.
I pray that people can actually hear the women and men who are hurting because our country has allowed the killing of children and not just dismiss it when seeking treatments, etc. Many of these unhealed women try to find solace in alcohol, drugs, eating disorders, using sex to cope, or suicide. Please pray for the healing of women and men who have been involved in an abortion, and if you need healing, seek help today.