Ever find yourself looking for love in all the wrong places? I did, and at 19, I also found myself drunk, pregnant, and all alone.
How could this be happening to me? To ME?!? I was desperate. I needed a way out FAST. Abortion is legal; how bad could it be? It sounded simple enough: go to the clinic and have them take care of my little problem. Voilà, problem solved; move on with life. WRONG!!!
What I did not know was that one decision would affect me for the rest of my life. I never knew guilt, shame, and self-hatred would plague me for years afterwards. A direct result of that abortion experience. I could not deal with what I had done to my baby. I killed my child. How could I have done that? A door slammed shut to my heart that day. The wound in my soul was deeper than I ever imagined possible. I knew what I had done was very wrong, so I hid behind a wall of denial. I could not talk about it, I could not think about it, and I could not deal with it. So, I pretended it never really happened. Yet deep in the very core of my being, I knew what I had done.
I turned to alcohol to ease the pain. I started drinking all the time. Drinking to get drunk. For several months, the only time I was not drinking was if I had to go to work. When I could no longer deal with the pain and heartache, I turned to God. I cried, and I cried, and I cried out to Jesus, “Please forgive me, Lord! I am so sorry!” I asked God to forgive me, but I did not know how to forgive myself.
For years, I suffered in silence, hating myself for what I had done. I killed my baby. Then one day I heard about a pregnancy center starting in town, and I knew I wanted to help. I needed to help! That is where I learned about a post-abortion program available to help me. Through this program, I learned how to process the pain and heartache that abortion caused.
While I will never forget what I did that day so long ago, I am no longer crippled by the guilt and shame of it. I have found God’s peace to live with what I have done. Abortion is an act of desperation. It does not help women. It hurts them. That abortion hurt me physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Outside of the harm it caused me, it killed my baby. It was not a quick fix to a reproductive problem. It was a life-changing experience! No matter what you have done in your past, your life matters and healing is possible.